Government to be run by National Moodometer (NaMo)

Satire

Having seen the chest-thumping reaction of the nation to surgical strikes, it is reliably learnt that the BJP government has decided to let national mood dictate all actions of the government.  As a result, a device, called National Moodometer (NaMo), is soon going to take control of the reins of the government.  The device gauzes the mood of the nation and recommends an appropriate action that would score the most brownie points from the majority of voters.

Unbeknownst to all Indians, NaMo (not to be confused with Narendra Modi) has been running the government for quite some time.  Contrary to popular opinion, it was not Modi or Manohar Parrikar who was the brains behind the strikes.  The action was recommended by NaMo.  It was the moodometer’s suggestion to tacitly allow the browbeating of filmmakers who made films with Pakistani actors.

The device takes advantage of Big Data and other latest technologies to tap into the public mood.  State of the art analytics software will then pore through the gazillion bytes of data, mostly from social media.  Not even the silliest comment, on the remotest website, by a Bhakt, AAPtard or sickular can escape the attention of NaMo.  Though the device was being tested for some time by the BJP government, it is the surgical strike recommendation and the subsequent favorable reaction all over the country that convinced the party fully about its worth.

The Prime Minister and senior party leaders are so confident now that they have decided to leave all the decision-making to the device.  The device has an auto-pilot mode, which when activated, will take control of the Executive.  To put it simply, NaMo will rule the country.  The Prime Minister’s Office (PMO) initially wanted the device to ease the burden on the PM and rid him the daily nuisance of taking silly domestic policy decisions.  The PMO and the PM wanted to concentrate all their energies on Modi’s foreign visits.

“Desperate circumstances warrant desperate measures.  The spectre of China is looming large over India and we have to act.  Modi has to travel to as many countries as possible and become BFFs with as many heads of state as possible.  India has to get into NSG first and then the UN Security Council.  The PM can’t be burdened with silly domestic issues!” responded one PMO official on strict condition of anonymity.

However, senior BJP functionaries seem to have gotten greedy.  Having seen what NaMo can do, they want to exploit it to win the 2019 General Elections.  “Not even the minutest action of the party or the PM goes unnoticed.  Sickular media is always waiting to jump on us.  An innocuous suit cost us the Delhi elections!!  What more can I say?  It feels like walking on eggshells.  We became very afraid of taking any decision or making any statement.  We don't want to repeat 2004 when we lost after the Shining India campaign. We want to get rid of the scope for human error this time.  That’s where NaMo will help us.  The party needs NaMo badly if it wants to win the 2019 elections!” said a senior party functionary.

For many, it came as a revelation that even the BJP government could not escape the fear of taking decisions.  If not for NaMo, it would have gone the same way as UPA 2 which was marred by policy paralysis.  However, BJP seems to be convinced that a machine has better judgement than anyone in the party.  Political parties across nations and centuries always tried to pander to popular opinion.  However, the moodometer simplifies it and seems to be more accurate and effective.

“NaMo is the zenith of democracy.  It took hundreds of years for modern democracy and parliamentary system to evolve, from the days of Magna Carta.  NaMo heralds the beginning of a truly democratic era.  NaMo takes decisions according to popular opinion on social media, which makes India democratic in the truest sense.  Now, Indians can celebrate Diwali every day.” said a senior BJP leader.

However, skeptics wonder whether nonsense from jobless and crazy pseudo-intellectuals on social media can be cumulatively considered as public opinion.  Even if it indeed is, does the government have to pander to it?  “This is crazy.  The country will go to dogs.  We will prove Churchill right” said a critic.

JuD Chief to Literally Lay Eggs for Pakistan

My Satirical Article, Published on Faking News.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/world/jud-chief-literally-lay-eggs-pakistan-30155

Hafiz Saeed, the chief of Jamaat-ud-Dawa (JuD), has announced that he and his followers will literally lay eggs for Pakistan.  He said that this decision was not borne out of frustration or fear, but out of love and gratitude towards his country.

It is well known that a Pakistani lawmaker had called for action against terror groups in Pakistan.  Amidst a growing chorus, the lawmaker questioned the Pakistani government’s failure to act against Saeed.  There is an increasing concern in Pakistan that harboring non-state actors like Saeed and Masood Azhar is only pushing the country towards diplomatic isolation.

Hafeez already is a UN-designated terrorist and has a $ 10 million US bounty on his head.  The growing demand to disown him has reportedly put a lot of pressure on him.  He reportedly meditated a lot on the lawmaker’s statement about “not laying any egg for Pakistan”.  After a lot of deliberation with his aides, he came up with this plan of literally laying eggs for Pakistan.  He is very hopeful that Pakistani government and civil society will find his egg-laying plan very useful.

He is supposed to have told his followers that until now he capitalized on the animosity and hatred of Pakistanis towards India.  In their hatred, the Pakistanis overlooked the damage religious extremism has been inflicting on their own country.  However, in the wake of the surgical strike by India and the subsequent cancellation of the SAARC summit and further diplomatic isolation, the Pakistani civil society seemed to be slowly coming to its senses.

Very reliable sources informed Faking News, on the condition of anonymity, that Saeed became very worried and restless after the backlash from the press, political parties and the government.  He was not sure how long the military will be able to protect him.  He discussed with his aides about all the possibilities and probabilities of him laying eggs.  He had set up a committee, comprising of experts in medicine, and entrusted them with the responsibility of finding a solution to his predicament.

Saeed is supposed to have expressed his willingness to undergo any kind of treatment or surgery to be able to lay eggs for the Pakistani people who had given him so much love and support so far.  And to his delight, his team has come up with a solution to the crisis.  He is reliably learnt to have undergone many painful surgeries and hormonal treatments to be able to lay eggs.

He has announced that he will demonstrate his newfound ability, of laying eggs, outside his fortified home in Lahore.  Along with the national and global press, he has also invited the PML-N lawmaker who had mocked his then inability so publicly.  He is confident that his eggs will put to rest, for ever, all the unnecessary talk about his being of no value to Pakistan.

However, critics argue that nothing worthwhile will come out of Saeed’s eggs.  They say that even if something does come out, it might turn out to be very dangerous and will further push Pakistan to the brink.

Meanwhile, there is heavy speculation going on in Pakistan and Dubai about the outcome of Saeed’s eggs, after the customary incubation of 40 days.  Heavy betting is going on in the notorious streets of Karachi and illegal betting sites online.  However, odds are heavily in favour of an armed-to-the-teeth terrorist. Highly-enriched uranium is a close second.

Udaipur, the City of Lakes

My travelogue on Udaipur city, published in the web edition of Hans India. Here is the link:

http://www.thehansindia.com/posts/index/Travel/2016-03-02/Udaipur-What-to-do-where-to-go/210872

The word Rajasthan conjures up a montage of images in my mind. I associate the state with royal families, forts, the Thar desert, camels, colorful pagdis, enterprising businessmen, and a history that was replete with instances of valor as well as suffering of Rajput warriors and their womenfolk.

As a tourist destination, Rajasthan is more popular with foreigners than it is with Indians. We, Indians, are more after temples and hill stations. The colorful folk, royal palaces, forts, camels and the desert together might be luring the foreigners, with the promise of quenching their thirst for the exotic. It seems, the cities Jaipur, Jaisalmer, Jodhpur, Udaipur, and Pushkar are popular among foreign tourists. On their radar, these tourist hotspots of Rajasthan are as important as Agra, Delhi, Varanasi, Goa, Hampi, Khajuraho and Ajanta. The Indian experience is not complete without the customary trip through the land of Maharajas!

This interest in Rajasthan is not lost on the tourism and hospitality industries. Rajasthan boasts of some of the best hotels in India.  For the rich, Rajasthan is a traveler’s delight in terms of luxury and style. The itinerary of the Maharaja Express, the luxury train operated by IRCTC and patronized mainly by foreign tourists, is mainly centered on Rajasthan. However, many backpackers flock in too, travelling sleeper class in trains and staying in cheap hotels and hostels.

I had long wanted to travel through Rajasthan. I found that the nearest place of significance from Mumbai is Udaipur.  It is 16 hours away by train, which just means a night journey and then some more. I finally take up the gauntlet and on a fine late January morning, land in the city of lakes and palaces.

With the image of the desert in my mind, I was expecting the weather to be hot and so did not bring any winter gear.  To my surprise, the days were cool and the nights were cooler!  It was not that the Sun does not shine bright. It does, but still, when you are in shade, it is cold. The day temperature hovered between 17 and 230 C while the nights saw 11-140 C temperature. I observed that people, who were required to be out in the open because of their professions, lighted fires to fight the night chill. However, I was told that summers are unbearably hot.  The best time to visit Udaipur is between September and March.

Desert is nowhere near Udaipur. For that, you better go visit Jaisalmer or Bikaner. The outskirts of Udaipur have a rustic feel, with crops grown and cattle reared. It feels like any other tier-two Indian city, except for the distinct paintings on walls of most houses.

The heritage of kings and warriors dominates the cultural landscape of the city. Popular local handicrafts such as paintings, marble art, silver art, and terracotta are dominated by the motif of the royals and their lifestyle. On the walls of every house, one can see the paintings of horse and elephant mounted men, ushering visitors. This is not surprising, as Udaipur city was the seat of the kingdom of Mewar. Until the princely state of Udaipur joined the Indian Union in 1949, it had been ruled by the Chattari Rajputs of Mori Guhilot Parihar and Sisodia dynasties for over 1,400 years.

One can clearly see that even after nearly 450 years of his heroic resistance, Maharana Pratap remains the city’s favorite son. The Sisodia warrior king refused to bow down to the imperial might of the Mughal empire that was at its peak with none other than Akbar at the helm. I feel Pratap is to the Mewar region what Shivaji is to Maharashtra, a symbol of resistance to Mughal might and upholder of the local religion and culture. The places, events, and people related to the life and struggle of the brave warrior king are revered and remembered. The majestic and beautiful Maharana Pratap Smarak is a loving and respectful tribute to his memory. One can see that the royal heritage has an unmistakable imprint on the spirit of the city and Pratap, along with his loyal horse Chetak, occupies a special corner in the hearts of the people!

Lakes together with the backdrop of the Aravali hills dominate the landscape of the city. Lake Pichola, Fateh Sagar Lake, Udai Sagar Lake, Rajsamand Lake and Jaisamand Lake are the five prominent lakes of the Mewar region. While the first two lie inside the city, the later three are spread across a radius of 66 km from the city. All of these lakes are artificial lakes, developed over the last few centuries by the rulers of the times to serve the water needs of the people.  Of these, Lake Pichola is the most picturesque and lies at the heart of the city. Because of its beautiful lakes, the city is called Venice of the east and acclaimed as romantic.

City Palace, lying on the banks of Lake Pichola, is the most visited tourist attraction in the city. The downtown area of the city developed around the various entrances of the palace complex. Most of the tourist attractions like within a radius of 4 km from the City Palace. Hathi Pol, Bada Bazaar, Chetak Circle, and Palace Road are some of the popular shopping arcades.

Udaipur cuisine is mainly vegetarian because of the influence of Vaishnavism and Jainism. Udaipur is famous for its Dal-Baati-Churma, Gatte-Ki-Sabzi, Kachori and Mirchi Bada. Many restaurants serve unlimited Rajasthani thali. Rajasthani cuisine is spicy as opposed to the neighboring Gujarat where everything is supposed to be sweet.  Natraj is perhaps the most famous thali restaurant and rightly so. Your trip is not complete until you have tasted Dal-baati-churma and the thali!

List below are the important tourist attractions in and around Udaipur:  

•    City Palace and Lake Pichola

•    Monsoon palace and Sajjangarh sanctuary 

•    Maharana Pratap Smarak

•    Bagore ki Haveli and the Dharohar show

•    Fateh Sagar lake

•    Jagadish ji temple

•    Sukhadia circle

•    Chetak circle

Get out:

•    Srinathji temple – 48 km

•    Eklingji temple and Sas-Bahu temple – 22 km

•    Kumbhalgarh fort – 100 km

•    Chittorgarh fort – 130 km

•    Ranakpur – 88 km

•    Mount Abu – 158 km

Some more..

•    Monsoon Palace is situated atop a hill inside Sajjangarh sanctuary.  The views, of the Aravali range and the lakes, from the palace balconies are simply breathtaking.

•    The darshan timings of Srinath ji at Nathdwara change every day and updated on the temple website.

•    Sas-bahu is not dedicated to the sas-bahu relationship! It is a corrupted form of Sahasra Bahu.  Strangely, you won’t find any idol in this temple now. Though known for its intricate carvings, it is not a place of worship now, but maintained well by ASI for preservation purposes.

•    Ranakpur jain temple is known for its magnificent architecture.

•    Sukhadia circle is famous for its street food served by a never-ending line of stalls.