Friday, October 28, 2016

Government to be run by National Moodometer (NaMo)

Satire

Having seen the chest-thumping reaction of the nation to surgical strikes, it is reliably learnt that the BJP government has decided to let national mood dictate all actions of the government.  As a result, a device, called National Moodometer (NaMo), is soon going to take control of the reins of the government.  The device gauzes the mood of the nation and recommends an appropriate action that would score the most brownie points from the majority of voters.
Unbeknownst to all Indians, NaMo (not to be confused with Narendra Modi) has been running the government for quite some time.  Contrary to popular opinion, it was not Modi or Manohar Parrikar who was the brains behind the strikes.  The action was recommended by NaMo.  It was the moodometer’s suggestion to tacitly allow the browbeating of filmmakers who made films with Pakistani actors.
The device takes advantage of Big Data and other latest technologies to tap into the public mood.  State of the art analytics software will then pore through the gazillion bytes of data, mostly from social media.  Not even the silliest comment, on the remotest website, by a Bhakt, AAPtard or sickular can escape the attention of NaMo.  Though the device was being tested for some time by the BJP government, it is the surgical strike recommendation and the subsequent favorable reaction all over the country that convinced the party fully about its worth.
The Prime Minister and senior party leaders are so confident now that they have decided to leave all the decision-making to the device.  The device has an auto-pilot mode, which when activated, will take control of the Executive.  To put it simply, NaMo will rule the country.  The Prime Minister’s Office (PMO) initially wanted the device to ease the burden on the PM and rid him the daily nuisance of taking silly domestic policy decisions.  The PMO and the PM wanted to concentrate all their energies on Modi’s foreign visits.
“Desperate circumstances warrant desperate measures.  The spectre of China is looming large over India and we have to act.  Modi has to travel to as many countries as possible and become BFFs with as many heads of state as possible.  India has to get into NSG first and then the UN Security Council.  The PM can’t be burdened with silly domestic issues!” responded one PMO official on strict condition of anonymity.
However, senior BJP functionaries seem to have gotten greedy.  Having seen what NaMo can do, they want to exploit it to win the 2019 General Elections.  “Not even the minutest action of the party or the PM goes unnoticed.  Sickular media is always waiting to jump on us.  An innocuous suit cost us the Delhi elections!!  What more can I say?  It feels like walking on eggshells.  We became very afraid of taking any decision or making any statement.  We don't want to repeat 2004 when we lost after the Shining India campaign. We want to get rid of the scope for human error this time.  That’s where NaMo will help us.  The party needs NaMo badly if it wants to win the 2019 elections!” said a senior party functionary.
For many, it came as a revelation that even the BJP government could not escape the fear of taking decisions.  If not for NaMo, it would have gone the same way as UPA 2 which was marred by policy paralysis.  However, BJP seems to be convinced that a machine has better judgement than anyone in the party.  Political parties across nations and centuries always tried to pander to popular opinion.  However, the moodometer simplifies it and seems to be more accurate and effective.
“NaMo is the zenith of democracy.  It took hundreds of years for modern democracy and parliamentary system to evolve, from the days of Magna Carta.  NaMo heralds the beginning of a truly democratic era.  NaMo takes decisions according to popular opinion on social media, which makes India democratic in the truest sense.  Now, Indians can celebrate Diwali every day.” said a senior BJP leader.
However, skeptics wonder whether nonsense from jobless and crazy pseudo-intellectuals on social media can be cumulatively considered as public opinion.  Even if it indeed is, does the government have to pander to it?  “This is crazy.  The country will go to dogs.  We will prove Churchill right” said a critic.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

JuD Chief to Literally Lay Eggs for Pakistan

My Satirical Article, Published on Faking News.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/world/jud-chief-literally-lay-eggs-pakistan-30155

Hafiz Saeed, the chief of Jamaat-ud-Dawa (JuD), has announced that he and his followers will literally lay eggs for Pakistan.  He said that this decision was not borne out of frustration or fear, but out of love and gratitude towards his country.
It is well known that a Pakistani lawmaker had called for action against terror groups in Pakistan Amidst a growing chorus, the lawmaker questioned the Pakistani government’s failure to act against Saeed.  There is an increasing concern in Pakistan that harboring non-state actors like Saeed and Masood Azhar is only pushing the country towards diplomatic isolation.
Hafeez already is a UN-designated terrorist and has a $ 10 million US bounty on his head.  The growing demand to disown him has reportedly put a lot of pressure on him.  He reportedly meditated a lot on the lawmaker’s statement about “not laying any egg for Pakistan”.  After a lot of deliberation with his aides, he came up with this plan of literally laying eggs for Pakistan.  He is very hopeful that Pakistani government and civil society will find his egg-laying plan very useful.
He is supposed to have told his followers that until now he capitalized on the animosity and hatred of Pakistanis towards India.  In their hatred, the Pakistanis overlooked the damage religious extremism has been inflicting on their own country.  However, in the wake of the surgical strike by India and the subsequent cancellation of the SAARC summit and further diplomatic isolation, the Pakistani civil society seemed to be slowly coming to its senses.
Very reliable sources informed Faking News, on the condition of anonymity, that Saeed became very worried and restless after the backlash from the press, political parties and the government.  He was not sure how long the military will be able to protect him.  He discussed with his aides about all the possibilities and probabilities of him laying eggs.  He had set up a committee, comprising of experts in medicine, and entrusted them with the responsibility of finding a solution to his predicament.
Saeed is supposed to have expressed his willingness to undergo any kind of treatment or surgery to be able to lay eggs for the Pakistani people who had given him so much love and support so far.  And to his delight, his team has come up with a solution to the crisis.  He is reliably learnt to have undergone many painful surgeries and hormonal treatments to be able to lay eggs.
He has announced that he will demonstrate his newfound ability, of laying eggs, outside his fortified home in Lahore.  Along with the national and global press, he has also invited the PML-N lawmaker who had mocked his then inability so publicly.  He is confident that his eggs will put to rest, for ever, all the unnecessary talk about his being of no value to Pakistan.
However, critics argue that nothing worthwhile will come out of Saeed’s eggs.  They say that even if something does come out, it might turn out to be very dangerous and will further push Pakistan to the brink.
Meanwhile, there is heavy speculation going on in Pakistan and Dubai about the outcome of Saeed’s eggs, after the customary incubation of 40 days.  Heavy betting is going on in the notorious streets of Karachi and illegal betting sites online.  However, odds are heavily in favour of an armed-to-the-teeth terrorist. Highly-enriched uranium is a close second.