JuD Chief to Literally Lay Eggs for Pakistan

My Satirical Article, Published on Faking News.

http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/world/jud-chief-literally-lay-eggs-pakistan-30155

Hafiz Saeed, the chief of Jamaat-ud-Dawa (JuD), has announced that he and his followers will literally lay eggs for Pakistan.  He said that this decision was not borne out of frustration or fear, but out of love and gratitude towards his country.

It is well known that a Pakistani lawmaker had called for action against terror groups in Pakistan.  Amidst a growing chorus, the lawmaker questioned the Pakistani government’s failure to act against Saeed.  There is an increasing concern in Pakistan that harboring non-state actors like Saeed and Masood Azhar is only pushing the country towards diplomatic isolation.

Hafeez already is a UN-designated terrorist and has a $ 10 million US bounty on his head.  The growing demand to disown him has reportedly put a lot of pressure on him.  He reportedly meditated a lot on the lawmaker’s statement about “not laying any egg for Pakistan”.  After a lot of deliberation with his aides, he came up with this plan of literally laying eggs for Pakistan.  He is very hopeful that Pakistani government and civil society will find his egg-laying plan very useful.

He is supposed to have told his followers that until now he capitalized on the animosity and hatred of Pakistanis towards India.  In their hatred, the Pakistanis overlooked the damage religious extremism has been inflicting on their own country.  However, in the wake of the surgical strike by India and the subsequent cancellation of the SAARC summit and further diplomatic isolation, the Pakistani civil society seemed to be slowly coming to its senses.

Very reliable sources informed Faking News, on the condition of anonymity, that Saeed became very worried and restless after the backlash from the press, political parties and the government.  He was not sure how long the military will be able to protect him.  He discussed with his aides about all the possibilities and probabilities of him laying eggs.  He had set up a committee, comprising of experts in medicine, and entrusted them with the responsibility of finding a solution to his predicament.

Saeed is supposed to have expressed his willingness to undergo any kind of treatment or surgery to be able to lay eggs for the Pakistani people who had given him so much love and support so far.  And to his delight, his team has come up with a solution to the crisis.  He is reliably learnt to have undergone many painful surgeries and hormonal treatments to be able to lay eggs.

He has announced that he will demonstrate his newfound ability, of laying eggs, outside his fortified home in Lahore.  Along with the national and global press, he has also invited the PML-N lawmaker who had mocked his then inability so publicly.  He is confident that his eggs will put to rest, for ever, all the unnecessary talk about his being of no value to Pakistan.

However, critics argue that nothing worthwhile will come out of Saeed’s eggs.  They say that even if something does come out, it might turn out to be very dangerous and will further push Pakistan to the brink.

Meanwhile, there is heavy speculation going on in Pakistan and Dubai about the outcome of Saeed’s eggs, after the customary incubation of 40 days.  Heavy betting is going on in the notorious streets of Karachi and illegal betting sites online.  However, odds are heavily in favour of an armed-to-the-teeth terrorist. Highly-enriched uranium is a close second.